By Land, By Air

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Welcome home!

"Safe & Sound"

Too bad for CNN, Fox, MSNBC, Etc, etc....Didnt quite get the story it felt like they were hoping for....Watch this space for more rantings about that. Ive been biting my tongue until this mission was complete. I have lots to say about this.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Declaration of Revocation

Mike over at Mikes Musings posted this, and being a citizen of both Great Britain & the United States, I cant tell you how much this made me laugh....

Declaration of Revocation by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

Waiting on Discovery...

Discovery, or STS-114 has been cleared to return to Earth. The Shuttle is scheduled to undock from the Station at 3:24 a.m. EDT Saturday and land at Kennedy Space Center, Fla., Monday morning at 4:46 a.m. Ill be setting my alarm to watch. Heres to a safe return. Even if it seems like the mainstream media is really hoping the craft wil burst into flames on re-entry, I think the average American is still in love with the Space Program, And still hold it as an important and worthwhile investment.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Lord shall stop thine traffic.

I read this on DEonline today and just about fell off my chair laughing. Its from an article about beach goer's snarling up the traffic for miles around....

"I'm a Christian and I have learned a Scripture to always be content in whatever state you're in," said Arner, who has lived there for 50 years. She is accustomed to sitting at the edge of her driveway in her car, blinker blinking away. "I have to keep asking the Lord to help me with that when I'm thinking, when am I going to get a break?"

Seriously, God. Please stop paying attention to national disasters, sick children and putting your sons image on a god damn grilled cheese and help this lady put the old Pontiac on the street, would ya? And if you cant do that, please allow her to be comfortable sitting in the driveway with the blinker going and all that. What is it, your day off!?! Sheesh.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Its electric. (boogie, woogie, woogie.)

From an awesome 4th of July weekend, Court & I.

Damn, VH1....

Im just home from work and flipping channels. VH1 is running a show called "Wacky kids names" or something. Now, I would be the first to agree that pretentious actors really get on my nerves when they get on this whole trip that since they are so deep and artistic, it means the kids have to suffer with rediculous names for life, but this is a bit...over the line. they are making fun of every 3 month to 5 year old "kid-of-a-star", including photos of said kids, and not so witty "comedians" making fun of the poor kids names. Surely not going to help the poor little bastards in school....


All Access: Awesomely Wacky Celebrity Baby Names features a panel of comedians and celebrity journalists to look at the wildest, weirdest and most shocking names of Hollywood's offspring.

So come celebrate Hollywood's hottest trend of outrageous baby naming and join VH1 in saying "You know you're a star when your kid's name is Pirate."

Dizamn. That aint right.

Observations of a Corporate Lackey....

  • I get more junk mail at the office than at home. "Sign up to get your blood pressure checked", "Its hot dog special week in the Cafe", "Jim in accounting on the other side of North America had a baby..."
  • I get hit up for money more often at work than I do at home, in Big Wilmy-ton. At least the people here admit its for someone's birthday or bridal shower and not because they "ran out of gas" (apparently the standard in pan-handling excuses in the greater Trolley Square region) But seriously, I'm here to make the crappy wage you pay me. You think I want to turn around and invest that it some broads dining set?
  • I'm often curious why the guy who just walked into the bathroom behind me felt he needed to lock himself in a stall to do #1. The 4 urinals are spaced far enough apart that 2 men can complete the operation without it being too uncomfortable of an experience.
  • Every email that comes from the managers about a new procedure or law is guaranteed to come with at least 3 "follow up" emails to clarify the first bullshit they sent me. And they will never...Learn.
  • If you don't want to see me on the internet, id suggest moving my desk from outside of your door. Nosey ass.
  • If your "team leader" spends the majority of the day playing air guitar at his desk, you are underpaid.
  • You cant call a department "Quality" when the work done in said department is anything but.
  • Its :15 minutes until I get to go home. Stay tuned to see my new tracking device. (you shall see)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Yeah, man.

Bad taste? Just a lil' bit.

No accounting for taste in Deerfield Beach, FL.

Over the holiday weekend, the town had its own fireworks display, complete with loudspeakers blaring "God Bless America". Nothing unsual about that....

Except that the version of "God Bless" that they used included excerpts of phone calls made from the twin towers during 9/11.

About 70,000 people had gathered to celebrate the Fourth of July when the song "God Bless the U.S.A." was played. The version had voices of people recorded during the terror attacks.
One voice on the mix said, "Oh my God, another plane has just hit." Another said, "Some of the casualties are in the collapsed building."
People at the celebrations said the mood of the night changed when the song was played.

Yeah. I should think so. Vince Kendrick, the town's director of parks and recreation, went on to say "If it was Memorial Day, no one would have minded".

Yes, its true. As Americans, we wish t spend Holidays listening to the last terrified words of people who in moments will be dead, at the hands of terrorists. Holy shit people. What the hell is wrong with Florida!?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The death of Delaware Blogging?

I once had a blog that I used to cover politics. I think my biggest inspiration to start it, with the exception of needing a place to vent my frustrations, was the growing pool of local blogs covering similar subjects. I havent checked back with alot of them since I gave up my own blog, but when I did today...I was a little suprised. Ryan had, which now, as you can see, suggests he call the billing department, as the account is suspended. Delavoice, which was by far the most popular local blog pertaining to politics, hasnt updated since May. Hubes Cube has a banner stating the site "no longer exists". (that aint a bad thing.) Maybe we're just all at the beach.

There are still some good blogs that are still kickin'. See Blogolution, Sneaking Suspicions and DanNation for politcal fun amongst other things. (Dan isnt from DE, but for a long time I thought he was. So, he qualifies.)

For just plain fun reads check out The Delawarean, Henna, Matt Hearn, Mike, and me. Sometimes. Apparently.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Oh, there will be bottlenecks...

According to a recent study, the Delaware/Maryland shore area is ranked 3rd in the country for traffic bottlenecks over 4th of July weekend.

Interstate 64 in the Tidewater region of southeastern Virginia is second on the group's list of vacation bottlenecks, followed by the Maryland-Delaware shore, Branson, Missouri, and North Carolina's Outer Banks.
Rounding out the Top 10 are Cape Cod, the Jersey Shore, California's Napa Valley, the Amish country of Pennsylvania and the Catskill Mountains in New York.

Im heading to the beach late this Friday after work. Hopefully, the only bottleneck I encounter that night is the good kind.

Happy 4th of July

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